EasySite.Express Online Business Branding & Image Review: We’re Here to Roast Your Digital Disaster (Politely)

Look, your online presence is either a glowing billboard or a dumpster fire—and if you’re here, you’re probably worried it’s the latter. Welcome to EasySite.Express’s Online Business Branding & Image Review & Consulting Service, where we don’t mess around with sugarcoating. This ain’t for the faint of heart or the “my feelings are a Fabergé egg” crowd. We’re diving into your digital footprint—website, socials, that cringe blog post from 2017—and delivering a no-BS report that’ll tell you what’s working, what’s sucking, and how to fix it. Think of us as your snarky best friend who’s too honest but always has your back. Ready to take the heat? Here’s the deal:

The Branding & Image Roast – $499

“Because Your Online Vibe Might Be a Crime Scene”

  • What You Get: We scour your online existence—website, X posts, Google results, that awkward LinkedIn headshot—and tear it apart with surgical precision. You’ll get a 10-15 page report dripping with dry wit, brutal truths, and actual fixes. Think: “Your homepage looks like a 2005 MySpace reject—here’s a cleaner layout,” or “Your X bio screams ‘I sell essential oils’—try this instead.” Examples, mockups, and a sprinkle of sass included.
  • The Process: You fill out our intake form (see below, don’t screw it up), we dig in, and in 7-10 days, you’ve got a roadmap to stop embarrassing yourself online.
  • Extras: Hosting for the report (digital delivery, duh), basic support if you cry reading it, and a 30-minute follow-up call to hash it out—“Yes, we meant that; no, it’s not too late to fix.”
  • Why It’s Worth It: Industry standard for a branding audit starts at $500-$1,000 with agencies who’ll bore you to death with jargon. We’re $499, blunt as hell, and actually useful—no fluffy “brand essence” nonsense. You’ll walk away knowing exactly what to tweak, not just that you “need a vibe shift.”

The Full Monty Makeover – $999

“For When Your Digital Life Needs an Exorcism”

  • What You Get: Everything in the Roast, plus we roll up our sleeves and fix the mess. The report (15-20 pages) comes with detailed critiques—“Your logo’s clipart vibes are killing us”—and we deliver redesigned assets: a new logo mockup, social banners, and a homepage wireframe.”
  • The Process: Intake form, 10-14 day turnaround, and we hand you a polished package to drag your brand into 2025. You implement (or hire us for more, wink).
  • Extras: Hosting, SSL for delivery, full support, and a “don’t panic” email check-in after 30 days.
  • Why It’s Worth It: Agencies charge $1,000-$2,500 for this level of audit-plus-assets, and half the time it’s a snooze-fest PowerPoint. We’re under a grand, funny as hell, and we give you stuff you can use. Your online image goes from “yikes” to “yes” without the therapy bill.

The VIP “Save My Soul” Overhaul – $1,999

“Because You’re a Hot Mess and You Know It”

  • What You Get: The works—report (20+ pages of savage truth), full redesign kit (logo, banners, wireframes, email templates), and we implement it for you. We’ll tweak your site, spruce up your X profile, and even write a bio that doesn’t sound like a robot puked it out.
    Two 1-hour calls—one to plan, one to gloat.
  • The Process: Intake, 15-20 days, and you’re reborn online. We handle the grunt work; you just nod and look pretty.
  • Extras: Hosting, domain (free year one), SSL, premium support, analytics setup (see what’s clicking), and a 60-day “how’s it going” check-in.
  • Why It’s Worth It: Big agencies hit you for $2,500-$5,000+ for a full rebrand and implementation, complete with a 50-slide deck you’ll never read. We’re $1,999, salty as hell, and we do the damn thing. You’ll look like a pro without selling your house.

Why Us? Because We’re Not Here to Schmooze Your Ego

We’re not some corporate drones droning on about “synergy” or “authenticity matrices.” We’ve been around the block, seen the trainwrecks, and know how to fix ‘em. Your online brand’s either a magnet or a repellent—we’ll tell you which, why, and how to stop sucking at it. No vague fluff, no “pay us $10K for vibes”—just real talk, real results, and a few laughs at your expense (don’t worry, we’re laughing with you). Clients leave sharper, savvier, and slightly roasted. You’re next.

Fair Warning: Not for Snowflakes

This service is a gut punch with a grin. If you can’t handle us saying “Your site’s color scheme looks like a clown threw up,” or “Your X posts read like a motivational poster on Xanax,” then save your money and hug a teddy bear instead. We’re here to help, not coddle. Still in? Good. You’re tougher than you look.

Ready to Face the Music?

Your online brand’s begging for a reality check, and we’re the ones to deliver it. Pick a package, fill out the intake form below, and let’s get roasting. Swing by https://bizwebdev.com/ (imagine a link here—we’re pros, not magicians) and sign up. You bring the mess—we’ll bring the mop. Deal? Let’s do this.

Intake Form Questions: Tell Us Your Dirty Secrets

Here’s the prelim list for the application—answer these so we can skewer you properly. Be honest; we’ll smell BS from a mile away.
What’s Your Website URL?

Give us the main crime scene. If it’s a blank page or a “coming soon” from 2019, just say so—we won’t judge (much).

What’s Your Main Social Platform (X, Insta, etc.) and Handle?
Where do you yap online most? We’re checking your posts, pics, and that bio you wrote at 2 a.m.

What’s Your Business in One Sentence?
No fluff—e.g., “I sell widgets,” “I teach yoga,” “I’m a web design god.” Keep it tight.

Who’s Your Audience?
Who are you trying to impress? “Tech bros,” “moms with cash,” “people who hate Comic Sans”—be specific.

What’s Your Current Brand Vibe (or Lack Thereof)?
Describe your style—“professional but boring,” “chaotic mess,” “I thought neon green was cool.” Spill it.

What’s the One Thing You Know Sucks About Your Online Presence?
You’ve got a hunch—your logo? Your typos? That stock photo of a fake team? Fess up.

What’s Your Dream Vibe?
If you could wave a wand, what would your online image scream? “Sleek pro,” “edgy rebel,” “trusty pal”—go wild.

Any Sacred Cows We Shouldn’t Touch?
Got a mascot or tagline you’d die for? Tell us, or we might accidentally roast it to ash.

Budget Ballpark—Be Real
$500? $1,000? $2,000? We won’t shame you, but we need to know what sandbox we’re playing in.

Anything Else We Should Know?
Weird quirks, secret shames, that time you went viral for the wrong reasons—dump it here.

Fill that out, send it our way, and brace yourself. We’re about to turn your online “meh” into “damn, that’s good”—with a side of snark. Let’s roll.